It feels great to be in the driver’s seat of your life doesn’t it? You are in control and you’re cruising along your path when all of a sudden, head on collision right into the tailpipe and you are thrown in a different direction and left standing alone in a world filled with uncharted territory. Were you ever really in control in the first place though? I have never punched a mirror in my life, mainly because I really do not need any added bad luck, but I can envision my fist thrusting through and shards bouncing to the ground. I can see how they would fall so beautifully in slow motion right in front of me, how I would see myself in a million misshapen pieces and fall to my knees trying to patch up the wreckage. I imagine that when your life falls apart that this is what it looks like, we fall to our knees patching up our daggers of wreckage on the floor, we start with the biggest pieces because those are easier than the small ones. The small ones are easier to cut you, easier to make you feel and will probably make you bleed. The small pieces are the ones you are reluctant to pick up, because they are the faults in yourself and that hurts.
So, I got started picking up those small pieces and for the first time, I felt real. I was forced to pick up my own daggers, I was forced to learn who I was and not look at myself as such a shell.
Who are you? Recently, I realized that I was a stranger to myself. You might actually be laughing at this blog right now saying that is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever read, how could you not know who you are, you big idiot. Yeah well, I mean those words whenever I say that I have lost more than I’d like to admit recently, and I have been forced to sit with myself and pick up a shovel and start digging. I started digging for what I was good at, what my personality traits were, reasons to smile and one conclusion that I did come to was that I was smiling for the wrong people. Not once did I ever look in the mirror and smile for myself, I never smiled at that beautiful stranger staring back at me. Just like you, I have looked at myself in the mirror millions of times and carried on to the next thing I was doing, I never stopped to think who I was or what made me “me”. I was smiling for all of the wrong reasons, all of the wrong people. I smiled for the “placeholders”, the temporary existence of a person that collected pieces of me during their time and walked away. I always chased, ran after them as they walked away with their back turned, I chased them when they didn’t want to be chased, I screamed when they didn’t want to listen, I cried when they never understood, I begged and they laughed but then, I stopped chasing and realized that I was the fool all along. I was picking a lock to a door that was never meant to be reopened and I was doing that in more places in my life than I wanted to admit.
We all wonder why doors close, we think that something that we have done caused the door to slam shut, so we pick up the keys and start picking. It’s only natural to look for answers in a situation that has left you wondering why, although sometimes those doors are better left locked and those questions are better left unanswered. The most astonishing thing that I have learned recently to one door closing is that stepping away wasn’t accepting defeat, it wasn’t failure but it was a chance for me to slow down. It gave me the chance to finally appreciate literally everything around me, it gave me the chance to look in the mirror and be like “okay girl, you got this”, because you can’t be a placeholder for yourself. You can’t close the door and walk from the person staring back at you in the mirror, you have to show up for yourself. You have to pick up those painful parts of your life and heal, you have to set the keys down and walk away and mostly, you have to learn who you are before you let anyone into your life. Nobody will ever meet your expectations except for you, nobody will help you pick up those pieces at the end of the day.
So you have to eat your wreckage for breakfast, and walk the hell away and let the shards fall wherever they may.